Let me take you back to the time when you were very small and that I hope you remember some of those experiences as being loving and nice for example as a baby, where food and drink came on tap and the additional warmth of being held and feeling loved was such a great sensation. Of course, at the time it was more about survival and forming a bond with someone that seems special except you did not really know, at that initial time, who that lady or man was or what his and her roles are. As you got older you had a better idea that she was called mum and he was called dad and that they both certain things for you and with you. Then at times, but quite often different faces would come to greet you, and sometimes they would make silly sounds at you and try and play and make you laugh, giving you a feeling of stimulation and a different aspect of love and security, although you still may not have known who they were, you still felt and secure.
In time over the next few months, it seems that these people were familiar and their presence in your life was consistent to you. You could make it known that you were happy or not, distressed or had a need to have food or water, or just a hug because you heard a sound that frightened you. You made it known if their care was overloaded or missing, usually by shrieking or crying when in distress or smiling and looking at them when happy, secure, and playful. Your communication was set to let them know very quickly, changes in your mood.
But soon, these people that you were taught to call mum or dad, would start doing other things, like dad would go out the door or mum would spend a few hours away from you when you were not asleep and you then experienced being taken somewhere to play with others just like you, but did not like it much and cried and threw yourself on the floor in defiance of being left. You had to wave bye to the person you have known as being there since you came into the world but could not understand why this was happening- why were you being left with a stranger? Being away from them felt like an eternity and the people at this place seemed friendly enough but it was not like being with mum and dad or grandma or grandpa but alas you got used to it – sometimes you showed anger to them when they picked you up as if they showed nothing had happened, that they did not realise what they had done, and sometimes you gave up and could not be bothered to cry anymore even in distress. But then, you started noticing a pattern to these times, and that they would leave you but always come back and things would be fine again, even though initially it felt too quick for you to accommodate this and showed your anxiety and distress when mum and dad would go off not knowing if they would return.
But you learned to cope and whenever you cried, the actions all these people took to reassure you, to keep loving you were satisfactory and responsive, and a good lot of gushing warmth came over you and them on the reunion. Soon enough in your toddler years you were very happy to form a bond with many more people and got quite excited to be taken or left with others that you also got to know. You were not scared, and each gave you a different yet pleasant experience. Remember grandma always spoilt you quite a bit and you loved the fuss she created for you.
Do you get the overall picture of the points I am making on healthy attachment?
This is a normal set of events that take place in each of our lives in terms of the principles, the primary caregivers may be slightly different for each of us but if there was and is a primary caregiver and that the principle emotional tie that transcends into an emotional bond is kept normal and positively progressive, many babies, toddlers, and children go onto forming healthy relationships with themselves and others and more importantly that becomes the foundation of future life for them. It is therefore normal in early years for babies and toddlers to cry when separated from parents- it is part of forming a secure attachment, the troubles that come from insecure attachments that are also influenced by traditions and cultures can become troublesome in later years, in terms of how relationships are formed and sustained.
Yes, it`s all about relationships and healthy ones at that. A healthy attachment is seen in our behaviours with other people harnessed by healthy emotions of joy and happiness, belonging, and inclusion. We all want to be close to someone, we want to feel joy at the reunion, and we need to know it’s normal to feel distressed when we feel unsafe or insecure with a stranger at times. It is not normal to avoid negative feelings or get anxious about them. We are born with a radar that helps us navigate through life. I call it your intuitive trust.
There are many historical theories that have measured these aspects of early attachments and how it progresses to give us ideas and theories about the development of that person in later life. There is much about how someone really developed and the influences on them – is it nature or nurture? Is it biological, hence related to genes or is it environmental and experiential that it can give us clues into who we are and why we are like we are?
The question is what has been at the heart of your development over the years from that very early age to now? Observe your relationships and whether you struggle to get close to people or whether you get socially anxious without their being a disability or mental illness, at big numbers of people keeping your circle very tightly knit and small.
There are theories that developing environments can change our genes and that some genes are triggered or activated at different times in our life. This of course is evolving science but I would say that it is a complex puzzle of different influences on human behaviours. Fascinating nonetheless!
I can say this and with confidence that many of my clients that have had dysfunctional relationships with themselves and others and have habits that do not deliver them to their best and worthy selves, is most likely due to a mix of unhealthy initial attachments which gradually were made worse by certain experiences in life. In saying that, some who started in a bad place caught up by having loving relationships with others- they went onto a happy fulfilling life full of love and nurture. There is always hope no matter what your experiences are at any time and anything and the outcomes can be very pleasant and worthwhile.
